Scooped!

Target Women segment from Nov. 13, 2009:

SNL segment from March 23, 2010:

In conclusion, the world would be a better place if Sarah Haskins was on SNL.

Difference.

I once learned, in one of my lectures, about a group of scientists who discovered that the bones in the ears of lesbian women are smaller/larger/different than the bones in straight women’s ears. It’s true. There was a news story about it and everything.

Reading this story startled me. The fact that the newspaper had published the story meant that an editor thought it was important and newsworthy… which meant that a reporter had spent the time to cover it… which meant that a journal had cared enough to print it… which meant that the scientists had enough faith in their findings that they decided to write them up… which meant they had enough hope that there would be a difference that they decided to do some research… which means they had funding from someone else who thinks that lesbian women are different from straight women.

No wonder people can always find scientific data to back up what they believe.

And think about all the time and money that went into supporting and spreading this idea that lesbians are different from straight women. Bigotry makes people’s lives miserable. Why do we add fuel to its fire? Why don’t we work to put it out?

Why don’t we spend our time and money fighting for better lives for all people, regardless of these ‘differences’ that so many of us accept? What if we spent our time searching for similarities among us lucky living beings? What if we lived by the hypothesis that all living beings share the same spark at their core? What if we spent our time and money making sure that spark doesn’t die out, instead of obsessing over why it burns the way it does?

I’m sorry if this doesn’t make sense. I am on drugs—delicious, delicious drugs. It’s just a different point of view, you see.

Mo’Nique should open a clinic for women with eating disorders. No, seriously. She radiates so much fire and confidence, I bet she could have every anoretic in the place eating pulled pork sandwiches by dinnertime.

Doubt it? Watch this and tell me she doesn’t have a thing or two to teach us about owning your body, owning the stage and owning your badass self:

Did you see her at the Academy Awards? She used her moment in the spotlight to give us a history lesson. Her blue dress and the flower in her hair paid homage to Hattie McDaniel, who played Mammy in “Gone with the Wind” and was the first black performer to win an Oscar. What’s more important is that Mo’Nique took time out of her acceptance speech to explain this to her audience of millions. I didn’t know who McDaniel was before she told me. Did you?

Mo’Nique is wise on more subjects than history. From the Associated Press:

At the Golden Globes, Mo’Nique revealed hairy legs under her glamorous gown. Did she clean up for the Academy Awards?

“Of course not!” she said earlier on the red carpet, laughing again. “I didn’t shave my arms nor did I shave my legs. I think Oscar would really like this.”

She was asked backstage what would happen if more actresses didn’t shave their legs or worry about their size.

“They’d win Oscars,” the full-figured entertainer said.

BALLER. She’s so on point.

When you’re walking down the street, checking your reflection in every store window and agonizing over the size of your ass, you’re not thinking about your magnum opus. You’re not hatching new ideas that will revolutionize physics or politics or poetry. You’re not even in the moment. You’re adrift in the nowhere land of disappointment and discontent.

What are your ambitions when your thoughts are dominated by body hatred? To look different. To look better. To weigh less. To lose fat and build muscle. To take up less space on this planet. Why should you empty out your insides to make your body more acceptable to people around you? They can never know what it’s like to live inside your skin.

When you spend your time trying to change your shape or your hair or your skin or your look, who reaps the benefits of your labor? Does anyone?

When you spend your time alone in bathrooms, puking and bleaching and shaving and primping and plucking, how will people remember you?

Will they?

When you spend your life trying to please others with your appearance alone, what legacy will you leave?

Having the body of a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model doesn’t automatically mean that you’re a worthwhile human being. How many of those models can you name? Any? How many of them have made you laugh, or think? How many have taught you anything about life? How many have taught you anything about history?

Let’s get back to Mo’Nique. I’m drawn to her because she is confident, smart, hilarious and incredibly talented — and I’m thankful that she used her Oscar acceptance speech to educate her audience. Mo’Nique and McDaniel are both better role models than any of those silent women who gawk out at us from billboards and magazine covers. While those women have done little but titillate some people and make many more miserable because their bodies look different, Mo’Nique and Hattie McDaniel show us the value of doing what you want, even if you have to piss on other people’s expectations in the process.

Dear Tiger Woods,

You have a dick? And you used it?

How dare you?

We trusted you.

We let you sell us things. Lots of things.

Watches,
razor blades,
video games,
sports drinks,
and golf clubs.
Naturally.

We put your face on our cereal boxes. We let our children eat breakfast in your two-dimensional presence, day after day, and they grew to admire you. We let our children fall for a role model they had never met. And we fell, too.

We let you sell us things because we trusted you. Or perhaps we trusted you because you put your name and your face on so many products. We saw you in more ads than tournaments. We saw you on television and in magazines. We saw you in the cereal aisle. You grew familiar. We liked you. We trusted you.

I haven’t watched your apology — and I’m not going to — because I don’t care about your sex life. Nobody should. Who you fuck is your business and yours alone. It’s your body.

But here’s the thing, Tiger, you sold your body. Corporate America offered you check after big fat check to use your name, face and reputation to sell shit to millions of people you’ve never met. These millions of strangers trust your judgment even though they haven’t a clue who you are as a person. You see, Corporate America turned you into a brand. And Corporate America got pissed when it found out that you haven’t been acting like the balls-less Ken doll that it wants you to be. And the Corporate Media went after the story like hounds after a three-legged rabbit. The story was easy to cover and irresistible to the mindless Americans who feel you owe them an apology, even though they’ve never met you.

These are the same people who bought Tiger Woods Gatorade and Tiger Woods Wheaties simply because you slapped your name on the products.

When you let yourself become a brand, people will treat you like a product. They will expect you to be sterile and sexless and easily palatable. They will demand refunds. They will judge you without empathy. They will tear you apart without caring how you feel.

“Tiger Woods has sexual urges? And he acted upon them? Why, I never!!”

Oh, the hypocrisy. Oh, the humanity. That’s what happens when you sell your soul.

This is the face of a man who is scared shitless. Imagine having to apologize for your sexual history before an audience of millions. Wouldn’t you be terrified? Wouldn’t you need to read off a script so you didn’t puke all over the first row of reporters?

When you reach a certain level of fame, you lose the freedom to fart around the way humans are wont to. I’m sorry Tiger Woods had to discover that this way.

Reason #412 why I should drink whiskey with breakfast

Because I work in political affairs, and New York state politics is part daytime soap and part WWE. At least everything seems funnier when you know who’s sleeping together.

See if you can spot the power couple. From the NY Daily News:

[State Sen. Kevin] Parker “charged” toward a female colleague Tuesday night during heated, closed-door squabbling over whether to toss Hiram Monserrate from the chamber, Senate sources said.

The Brooklyn Democrat took several steps toward Sen. Diane Savino (D-S.I.) as the two engaged in a profanity-laced argument during the contentious Democratic conference, the sources said.

Parker dropped several “f-bombs” and called Savino “a b——” as she tried to explain why Monserrate could be immediately expelled with Republican votes, the sources said.

An enraged Parker, who opposed Monserrate’s ouster, “went a little ballistic, swearing and screaming that the Republicans have no right to dictate what goes on in our house,” one senator said.

Three Monserrate supporters - Sens. Eric Adams (D-Brooklyn), Ruben Diaz Sr. (D-Bronx) and Carl Kruger (D-Brooklyn) - started yelling and egging Parker on, several sources said.

When Savino told Parker to stop interrupting her, Parker is said to have yelled, “F—k you!”

Savino responded in kind and Parker stormed at her, the source said.

Senate Deputy Majority Leader Jeffrey Klein (D-Bronx) jumped up and told Parker not to scream at Savino that way, the sources said.

Parker then swore at Klein and asked, “Do you want a piece of me?”

“If that’s what it takes to stop this,” Klein responded, the sources said.

Parker was held back by Senate Democratic Conference Leader John Sampson.

Savino downplayed the incident yesterday, explaining she and Parker “exchanged some words.”

“We argued with each other and that was the end of it,” she added. “He apologized profusely.”

Klein, who said Parker also apologized to him, didn’t deny the incident.

“Everyone’s talking about civility in Albany being dead, but I’m keeping chivalry very much alive,” he joked.

Who are these people and how did they get into office? I’m fine with fist fights and f-bombs and politicians with fire in their guts, but I don’t want chivalry in the legislature. I don’t want representatives who stand up for the bully, either. I don’t want power in the hands of people who can switch sides as easily as kids playing Red Rover at recess. I don’t want Democrats who are so divided that political progress becomes impossible.

I don’t want politicians praising themselves when they leap to the defense of whoever they’re fucking at the moment. That doesn’t make you a good leader. That makes you self-serving. And I don’t think that’s in your job description.

P.S. Did you know that 87% of strokes occur in people who follow state politics?